Can You Be In Love With More Than One Person At The Same Time?

This tends to be a controversial question. There are valid points on each side. For me personally I spent my life with my partners strictly monogamous in my mind. But after a separation and self exploration in the last 4 years I have had much time to reflect on this exact subject.

I always felt that to be monogamous I had to make a conscious effort to not put myself in any situation that I would be 'tempted' or meet someone of the opposite sex I would 'connect' with. After 20 years of this (and let me be bluntly honest and admit in my early 20's I was not successful) I am looking at the fact that I had to be actively conscious which I now see as being untrue to myself. Connection comes in many forms and just because as a woman I connect with a man it does not mean I am supposed to have sex or a physical intimate relationship with each connection but in many cases this would be the outcome. 

If I reflect at the fact that I have had 3 intense loves of my life and that is over a 20 year period, how can I not deny that you can Love more then one person in a lifetime (and this is when the belief system of one soulmate needs reflection) or even be in love with more then one person at a time??

So I found an article written by John Kim and here is his stab at the topic. Have a read and reflect.

Many people mistake intensity, infatuation, and lust for love. They think they love someone, but they’re actually loving the intensity of the relationship.

For example, if you compare every love to your "first love," you may feel it doesn’t match up. That experience, regardless of whether or not it was healthy, was extremely powerful.

But maybe it was just the most intense due to its being the first major imprint on your heart? Maybe it was the first time you lost yourself in someone? Maybe you experienced a sticky codependent relationship with no boundaries. (A strong bond produced can feel like love when it’s actually dependency.)

Some mistake infatuation, a short-lived passion, for love. Remember that magical summer crush on the kid at camp? Or the yoga retreat when you met “the perfect man”? Or when you worked on that campaign, project, movie, etc?

With infatuation, we fill in a lot of blanks. We fall in love with ideas rather than the actual person. Although this is a form of truthful attraction, it’s not love. It’s the overlapping of a matching purpose. A slanted guesstimate. Fantasy. And depending upon where you’re at in your life and how much you want love or a relationship, it can feel like you won the lottery.

Lust is sexual desire. It’s a natural craving like hunger or sleep that you can adjust, manage, and aim. If you can’t, then healthy love will be difficult to build. I say “build” because love is ultimately about the choice and ability to build something with someone.

In order to build that kind of intimacy, the commitment factor needs to be there. One can argue that they can commit to two people or more people at once. But I believe the kind of commitment it takes to hit high notes in love, to build the kind of trust that’s life weathering, requires all of you.

Technically you can love more than one. But you'll lose potency. You’ll be building on sand instead of soil. And the love you can give and receive will be lukewarm at best.

So the question then becomes: Is that true love?

My definition of love is truth, commitment, and all-or-nothing. And since love is an action, not just space you carry in your heart, there’s not enough time in the day to romantically love many. I say, if you’re going to love, love one. And love hard.