Asexuality, Have you ever heard of it before?

I know I had never heard of the terminology myself let alone Heteroromantic, Homoromantic, Biromantic or Panromantic.

This great comic strip by Adri Tibbs explains Asexuality quite simply.

www.loveandindulgence.com.au

The 9 Most Overlooked Threats to a Marriage

Now for those of you that know me I have been divorced twice in the last 20 years. Once due to being too young in the first place and the second...well..that one broke my heart. I have taken the last 4 years to reflect, learn, educate and get the tools in my tool-belt to make sure when I walk into my next long term relationship I know the signs better.

So I spotted this article by blogger Kelly M. Flanagan (a male by the way) and thought I should share from a man's perspective with my own comments added at the end of each point. Enjoy & reflect.

I feel bad for marital communication, because it gets blamed for everything. For generations, in survey after survey, couples have rated marital communication as the number one problem in marriage. It's not.

Marital communication is getting a bad rap. It's like the kid who fights back on the playground. The playground supervisors hear a commotion and turn their heads just in time to see his retaliation. He didn't create the problem; he was reacting to the problem. But he's the one who gets caught, so he's sent off to the principal's office.

Or, in the case of marital communication, the therapist's office.
I feel bad for marital communication, because everyone gangs up on him, when the truth is, on the playground of marriage, he's just reacting to one of the other troublemakers who started the fight:

1. We marry people because we like who they are. People change. Plan on it. Don't marry someone because of who they are, or who you want them to become. Marry them because of who they are determined to become. And then spend a lifetime joining them in their becoming, as they join you in yours. (Spot on. NEVER try and change someone into what you want but instead be with someone who you see their potential of who THEY want to become)

2. Marriage doesn't take away our loneliness. To be alive is to be lonely. It's the human condition. Marriage doesn't change the human condition. It can't make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn't, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Marriage is intended to be a place where two humans share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while. (I have never felt more alone in my life then a few years I had of my marriage and I mean ALONE!)

3. Shame baggage. Yes, we all carry it it. We spend most of our adolescence and early adulthood trying to pretend our shame doesn't exist so, when the person we love triggers it in us, we blame them for creating it. And then we demand they fix it. But the truth is, they didn't create it and they can't fix it. Sometimes the best marital therapy is individual therapy, in which we work to heal our own shame. So we can stop transferring it to the ones we love. (Shame and fear is part of our Vulnerability. Instead of being scared of being vulnerable...embrace it as it will set you free. If you don't believe me watch this video by Brene Brown )

4. Ego wins. We've all got one. We came by it honestly. Probably sometime around the fourth grade when kids started to be jerks to us. Maybe earlier if our family members were jerks first. The ego was a good thing. It kept us safe from the emotional slings and arrows. But now that we're grown and married, the ego is a wall that separates. It's time for it to come down. By practicing openness instead of defensiveness, forgiveness instead of vengeance, apology instead of blame, vulnerability instead of strength, and grace instead of power. (Perfectly articulated)
5. Life is messy and marriage is life. So marriage is messy, too. But when things stop working perfectly, we start blaming our partner for the snags. We add unnecessary mess to the already inescapable mess of life and love. We must stop pointing fingers and start intertwining them. And then we can we walk into, and through, the mess of life together. Blameless and shameless. (The fairytales we see on TV is just that..fairytales. So be ready for the rollercoaster ride of marriage and be aware that it is 'up to you' on whether it has massive scary dips or little bumps)

6. Empathy is hard. By its very nature, empathy cannot happen simultaneously between two people. One partner must always go first, and there's no guarantee of reciprocation. It takes risk. It's a sacrifice. So most of us wait for our partner to go first. A lifelong empathy standoff. And when one partner actually does take the empathy plunge, it's almost always a belly flop. The truth is, the people we love are fallible human beings and they will never be the perfect mirror we desire. Can we love them anyway, by taking the empathy plunge ourselves? (Take the risk)

7. We care more about our children than about the one who helped us make them. Our kids should never be more important than our marriage, and they should never be less important. If they're more important, the little rascals will sense it and use it and drive wedges. If they're less important, they'll act out until they are given priority. Family is about the constant, on-going work of finding the balance. (Just remember...your kids will grow up and leave you behind and never think twice about it. Your partner and your relationship should always come first. I am saying this as by actively doing it, we teach our children POSITIVE behaviour skills on how to treat they're future partner. VERY IMPORTANT and the MOST important point in this article since we have a 50% divorce rate in Australia)

8. The hidden power struggle. Most conflict in marriage is at least in part a negotiation around the level of interconnectedness between lovers. Men usually want less. Women usually want more. Sometimes, those roles are reversed. Regardless, when you read between the lines of most fights, this is the question you find: Who gets to decide how much distance we keep between us? If we don't ask that question explicitly, we'll fight about it implicitly. Forever. (Masculine and Feminine energy is at play here)

9. We don't know how to maintain interest in one thing or one person anymore. We live in a world pulling our attention in a million different directions. The practice of meditation--attending to one thing and then returning our attention to it when we become distracted, over and over and over again--is an essential art. When we are constantly encouraged to attend to the shiny surface of things and to move on when we get a little bored, making our life a meditation upon the person we love is a revolutionary act. And it is absolutely essential if any marriage is to survive and thrive. (Be conscious of this)

As a therapist, I can teach a couple how to communicate in an hour. It's not complicated. But dealing with the troublemakers who started the fight? Well, that takes a lifetime.

And yet.

It's a lifetime that forms us into people who are becoming ever more loving versions of ourselves, who can bear the weight of loneliness, who have released the weight of shame, who have traded in walls for bridges, who have embraced the mess of being alive, who risk empathy and forgive disappointments, who love everyone with equal fervor, who give and take and compromise, and who have dedicated themselves to a lifetime of presence and awareness and attentiveness.

And that's a lifetime worth fighting for.

www.loveandindulgence.com.au

18 thoughts all women secretly have about sex

Now I have had a huge giggle with this article at its art of bluntness!

I have however altered some of the information as I totally disagreed with the author from the Metro.
I mean, I have never met a woman that wants a guy to have pubic hair on his balls cause we think manscaped is pre-teen??!!

I mean, maybe the other way round....I know when I waxed the lot off myself both myself and my partner felt weird. Me a teenager and him a pedophile but NEVER have I said to a guy I don't care what your pubes are like. Its a "you'd better manscape asap if you want me to exploring buddy!"

 

There are some thoughts we have about sex that we can’t even voice to our best friends after half a bottle of wine, because well, they’re a bit awkward and we’re British and all that.

Here’s what we secretly think about doing the deed.

1. We want to have period sex. Heck, we’re horniest when we’re on our period, but we don’t want to ask you because we’re scared you’ll be so disgusted by the bloody scene you’ll flee and never return. (It actually helps us with the cramping other then those insane hormone spurts)

2. We find 69-ing too complicated and uncomfortable, and everyone involved basically has to have their whole face squashed – nose first – into private parts. (It's hard to concentrate on the job at hand  when we you lick & suck that perfect spot and we are in blissland. Sorry!)

3. Most of you press our clitoris like you’re trying really hard to pop a spot, or y’know, push it back inside our body. Turns out that’s not going to make a girl climax anytime soon. (Please fella's google!!)

4. Your balls smell. Sorry. (Hahahaha True!)

5. We can’t actually feel it when you come inside us. And actually? We can’t really tell if you’re wearing a condom or not. Surprise! (That depends on the guy and how he blows. With some you will feel it hit your back wall and it will tip you over the edge into another orgasm ladies!)

6. Whenever you go down on us it fills us with excitement, and then floods of anxiety about whether we smell or have pieces of loo roll stuck in every nook and cranny. (Soooo true! We also worry if we waxed enough)

7. The main reason we don’t want a threesome is because we don’t have anywhere near enough self-confidence to watch you get with another girl who we’re 107 per cent sure you’ll find more sexy/attractive/amazing than us. (The other thing you need to understand is the girl has to choose the girl fellas!)

8. When you suck on our nipples, there’s always a split second when we feel like we’re breastfeeding a man and it’s beyond creepy. (Some of us also can't feel a thing)

9. One of the worst things about sex is that awkward moment where one of you gets eye contact with the other during oral and everyone’s unsure about what facial expression to pull. (When that happens maybe we should just laugh at each other)

10. The fear of poo is greater than the fear of pain when it comes down to whether or not we’re game for anal sex. What if it just ends up EVERYWHERE? (Thats why a lot of women won't even explore your g-spot)

11. We really don’t care if you come before us, as long as you come back round to finish us off afterwards. In fact, sometimes we prefer it – otherwise we have to go straight back to work right after we’ve come. (Ummmmmm, I think this depends on whether you've cum in the first 5 minutes before we have even warmed up. Most guys are snoring, which is out of their control, within minutes of finishing soooo please concentrate on us a little more pre-sex so we can catch up and not be sexually frustrated)
12. We find the STOP EVERYTHING to put a condom on moment as awkward as you do, but guess what? We kinda don’t want a baby or a spot of herpes right now. Weird, eh? (Soooo true)

13. Unless we literally have to wade through a deep, dark forest, pubes mean nothing to us. Keep it long, keep it trimmed, do whatever – but have something there, otherwise you look a bit like a pre-teen and that’s not so OK. (NO NO NO! Please bloody manscape!!)

14. We like sex toys. They vibrate. You don’t. Don’t be intimidated. They won’t replace you, they just work as an added extra, like a side of fries or something. (Think of some toys as a assistant to make your life easier fellas)

15. There’s no point trying to have sex with us if there’s a pet in the room/we’re in our parents house/our family are staying over – we can’t concentrate and it feels like the world will be upset with us forevermore. (Ohh, be aware this applies to when we masturbate too)

16. We want to go on top more but we just can’t handle that sort of cardio. Nope. Not without trainers, Nike leggings and One Direction pumping in our ears at least. (So start off in another position then finish us off on top cause we can control our orgasm better on top)

17. We used to really like kissing sessions that lasted over an hour when we were teenagers. So if you ever wanted to bring that back, that’d be OK. (I had what I call "a 16 yr old make out session" a little while back. It was like the times before you popped your cherry. So much fun)

18. Those scenes in TV programmes where people sneak into storage cupboards and have sex fully dressed up against a wall? We want them. (yes yes yes! I dragged my partner into our walk-in closet when we had guests stay over and he said "it was the best sex we've had". Well hello! Of course it was as it was risque and spontaneous. Beds and bedrooms are boring!)

www.loveandindulgence.com.au

9 Weird Things Your Penis Does

Discover why your schlong has been acting so strange BY MARKHAM HEID

I believed it was time to give the guys some quick tips & WATCH OUT FOR MY BONUS TIP AT THE END

You shake and bounce, but a stray drop or two of pee still trickles into your underwear as you leave the restroom. Is the O-ring in your penis defective or something? 

"I talk to men all the time who worry about this, but it's not a big deal," says Joseph Sonstein, M.D., a urologist with the University of Texas Medical Branch. (Whew.) Your urethra—the hollow tube that carries urine from your bladder to the tip of your penis—forms a slight upside-down U shape, Dr. Sonstein explains. And there's inevitably a little pee left over in your U when you finish urinating, which gravity causes to leak out after you've zipped up, he adds. 

"It can be a bigger problem for men who have a weak stream, because the lack of force leaves more pee behind to dribble out," Dr. Sonstein adds. A weak stream could be a sign of an enlarged prostate or inflammation, which is common among older guys. But for most young men, a little leakage is nothing to stress about.

WHY DOES SOME SEMEN ALWAYS SHOW UP LATE TO A PARTY?

Like that drop or two of leftover urine, some ejaculate leaks out a few minutes after you've had an orgasm. Dr. Sonstein says the explanation is the same as before: "Semen is just a little more viscous, so it takes more time for gravity to work it out of your urethra," he says. 

WHY DOES YOUR PENIS SHRINK WHEN WET?

Despite what George Costanza says, it's not the wetness that does it. It's the chill of exposing your genitals to cool air or water that causes the "shrinkage," Dr. Sonstein says. Your scrotum hangs outside of your body because your sperm need very specific temperatures to thrive. Muscles in your scrotum and along the "spermatic cord" that leads down from your penis to each testicle contract when you're cold, pulling your scrotum up toward your body. And this contraction tightens your penis muscles and tissue as well, shrinking it, Dr. Sonstein says. (The opposite happens when you're hot, causing your testicles and penis to hang farther from your body, he adds.) 

WHY DO YOU PITCH A TENT EVERY MORNING?

Your testosterone levels peak in the A.M., which explains your perky member, Dr. Sonstein says. There's also some evidence you become erect—even when you're not aroused—in order to maintain proper sexual function. "It's sort of the old 'if you don't use it, you lose it' thing," Dr. Sonstein adds. So that explains your otherwise curious midday, driving-in-your-car boners. 

WHY DO SOME MEN EXPERIENCE 'WET DREAMS'?

Again, this is probably the result of elevated testosterone levels, which rise while you sleep, says Dr. Sonstein. "That's why adolescent men, whose testosterone levels tend to be really high, experience more wet dreams than older men." Dr. Sonstein says there's some anecdotal evidence—but no proof—that wet dreams occur more often when a lot of time has passed between your orgasms, and so this could be your body's way of making room for fresher sperm supplies. 

WHY DOES YOUR URINE SOMETIMES SHOOT OUT AT A STRANGE ANGLE?

Your urine stream's "crazy Ivan" schtick tends to occur after sex, after masturbation, or in the morning if you ejaculated just before bed—or while you slept—Dr. Sonstein says. Why? It's nearly always because a little semen is still hanging out in your urethra from your last orgasm, which creates an obstruction. If the odd angle doesn't go away soon, it could be a sign of scar tissue or an STD, Dr. Sonstein adds. 

WHY DO SOME MEN'S PENIS' BECOME SO MUCH LARGER WHEN ERECT, WHEN SOME DON'T GROW MUCH AT ALL?

Maybe you've heard some guys are "growers, not showers." At least anecdotally, that seems to be true. "Men who are smaller when flaccid tend to get much longer when erect," Dr. Sonstein says. "Whereas men who are long when flaccid tend to get harder, but not that much bigger. It's all just genetics." 

WHY IS URINE YELLOW NO MATTER WHAT YOU EAT OR DRINK?

Urine contains a chemical called urobilin, which is involved in the breakdown of fluid that takes place in your kidneys, says Dr. Sonstein. Urobilin is yellow, and the more of it you see in your pee, the less that biochemical is being diluted by water or other fluids you drink. If you're properly hydrated, healthy urine should actually be pretty close to clear, Dr. Sonstein explains. 

ONCE OR TWICE YOU'VE HAD A PROBLEM HAVING AN ERECTION DURING SEX, WHAT GIVES?

This is called "situational erectile dysfunction," and a ton of guys experience it, Dr. Sonstein says. "Usually it's stress- or relationship problem-related." If you're feeling a lot of pressure or anxiety, it can tense you up to the point that you have problems getting hard. Dr. Sonstein says if it gets really bad, he'll occasionally prescribe a low dose of an ED drug like Viagra to help a patient get his confidence back. 

MEL'S TIP

In regards to the above question there is also another important point to know especially for men as young as teenagers to mid to late 40's. ED is linked to high speed internet porn. It rewires the pleasure centre of your brain. Here is a common scenario: You are with a woman you find attractive, you are totally into what is happening but you can't get it up! Be aware that this is because messages are not being sent from the brain to your penis. This is even more frustrating for men to understand as they have no problem when porn viewing only when in real life situations. Men have a tendency to believe it is 'performance anxiety' however this is not the case. 

Here is some links to great videos to watch

The Great Porn Experiment:TedX with Gary Wilson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82...

The Science of Porn addiction - Gabes Story
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGxX...

www.loveandindulgence.com.au

5 Surefire Ways to Kill a Relationship

A blogger called Erica Jagger wrote and article about identifying when you are quite frankly destroying or self sabotaging your relationship.

Understanding these sometimes simple signs makes the finale of a breakup avoidable. 

Wouldn't you like to know what they are?

I found that points 1 & 3 where my own downfall and now I am very conscious of them and make sure I actively practice point 4. However, my worst trait was withholding sex when I was angry, hurt, bitter or just wanted to plain punish my man. Where the hell did I learn that from??? Seriously not healthy.

A relationship needs Intimacy, love and communication to stay connected so I hope the tips below help.

The self-help genre often offers up solutions to our issues without forcing us to reflect on what we’re actually doing and saying in our lives to cause those problems in the first place. So, in a contrarian mode, I’ve decided to detail what research knows to be some of the most toxic habits we bring into our relationships—even though we may not even be aware that we carry them.

[Of course, if you want to cut to the chase with a speedy means of destruction, just be unfaithful. That, not surprisingly, is the still the Number One torpedo to relationships and top cause of divorce, as a study by Paul R. Amato and Denise Previti showed. Infidelity was the cause of 21.6% percent of divorces the teamstudied, followed closely by incompatibility (19.2%), drinking or drug use (10.6%), growing apart (9.6%), personality problems (9.1%), and lack of communication (8.7 %). Physical or mental abuse, and loss of love, were singled out much less frequently—5.8% and 4.3%, respectively.]

It’s true enough that, day to day, all couples disagree and fight but research makes clear that it’s how we fight, and how often, that matters. The more such behaviors you see in your marriage—coming from either you or your spouse—the more slippery the slope. And, of course, focusing on how you resolve conflict alone isn’t the whole story: You need to ask yourself what you’re doing when you’re not fighting, too.

Keeping in mind John Gottman’s now-famous 5:1 formula—that it takes five happy-making, restorative, and constructive moments to outweigh the effect of a destructive one—here are some of the behaviors that take us furthest from that ideal and most damage our relationships. If you want out, then by all means, do the following:

1. Personalize blame.

The formal name for this is “causal attribution.” Simply put, when something goes wrong, do you explain it by attributing it to your partner’s weaknesses, flaws, or characteristic behavior? Do you instantly make things personal because your sentences begin with the word “You"—“You never listen”; “You’re always too busy”; or, "This is so typical of you"?

The work of Frank Fincham and Thomas Bradbury demonstrates that this kind of attribution is highly damaging and that in a stable marriage, partners don’t make it personal but tend to explain what’s gone wrong in more general terms. Personalizing blame also is likely to elicit defensive behavior from your partner that, according to another study by Fincham and Steven Beach, will lead to a cycle of blame and defensiveness which often escalates without anyone really planning on it. In their paper they use a homely example many of you will recognise.

A couple gets into a car with a destination in mind—it could be a restaurant, a party, even a romantic getaway spot. You have, at the beginning, a shared goal: getting there. At some point, however, one or both of you realizes you’re on the wrong road. Suddenly, the goal shifts. The driver (in this case, the husband) asks the passenger (his wife) why she can’t read a map. She retorts that her map-reading skills are just fine but that he’s managed to miss a turn. He denies it, fiercely. She says he should stop and get directions. He won’t. . . 

Yes, I know that a GPS device could theoretically subvert all of this but you get the point, and you don’t need to be in a car to experience this kind of altercation. Without ever consciously shifting goals, each member of the couple does in fact move away from the shared goal of wanting to get there, to blame, and finally, to self-defense. (Confession: This did once happen to me on a road in Maine where the exits are 50 miles apart.)

2. Withdraw at times of demand.

Imagine a couple in their living room. She is trying to engage her spouse in a discussion about what happened on Saturday night when she tried talking to him about how unresponsive he was and they got into a huge fight. She’s stewed about it for days and rehearsed what she's going to say but the longer she talks, the more his body language betrays his annoyance. He stays silent. His apparent withdrawal prompts her to try even harder, her voice rising, as she begs him to please respond. The harder she tries, though, the more he withdraws. Finally, he gets up and says, “I’m tired of this same old debate. I’m going out.”

This pattern is called demand/withdraw and it’s a robust predictor of marital dissatisfaction, depression, divorce, as well as physical abuse. To quote an article by Paul Schrodt and his co-authors, "Researchers, clinicians, and therapists generally agree that it represents one of the most destructive interaction patterns in interpersonal relationships.” Researchers have demonstrated that while both genders exhibit demand/withdraw patterns, the wife-demand/husband-withdraw occurs more frequently.

Years ago, this scenario was more commonly written off as a man having "a nagging wife,” and it was the subject of jokes, farce, and comedy—as well as deep marital discord. The reasons for the pattern are complicated and varied and may have roots in the disparate needs for intimacy and engagement in some couples, opposite sources of motivation (approach versus avoidance), attachment histories, and more.

It’s not hard to see why this cycle is so persistent and toxic because in it, both parties feel wronged, if for different reasons. The demand partner feels ignored, marginalized, and perhaps abandoned; the other feels put upon, barraged by criticism, and under fire. Getting off the carousel requires both parties to take a close look and to listen and, in the best of all possible worlds, work at developing new ways of communicating and reacting.

3. Stop asking or telling.

A famous study by Arthur Aron showed that the simple act of asking and answering 36 questions reliably increased the sense of closeness in datingcouples. We all know from experience that storytelling and sharing are important parts of courtship and commitment. But it’s also true that, over time, some couples stop sharing their stories and/or stop being willing to listen to their partner's. It can happen for any reason or no reason—different schedules, childcare interruptions, the distraction of digital devices. Sometimes, though, familiarity does breed contempt when one partner begins to tell a story—it could be about a difficult co-worker or the behavior of one of the couple’s children, or any other subject—and the other says,” You’ve already told me that” or “That again?” Those responses effectively marginalize the speaker and are guaranteed to shut him or her down.

According to Gottman, positive communication in a successful marriage includes showing interest, showing that you care, showing concern andempathy, and being accepting, even when you don’t necessarily agree with your partner.

f you stop paying attention to what’s happening when you’re not fighting, you are clearly in trouble.

4. Practice lip service forgiveness.

Here we find ourselves in the big bump territory of the often uneven road that is marriage, after a meaningful transgression—infidelity, for example, or a major lie—has altered the landscape. Forgiveness is a somewhat of a psychological thicket and, as has been widely noted by research, what constitutes “forgiveness” in layperson’s terms differs from the stance the field has generally taken. In the article, “Forgiveness in Marriage,” the co-authors note that forgiveness needs to be “distinguished from accepting, excusing, or condoning an offense.” Forgiveness is also more of a process than a single act. Despite all the illustrated platitudes about forgiveness that flash across your Facebook feed and mine, it’s a more complicated issue. The authors note that verbal statements of forgiveness “may not reflect true feelings” and that they happen often enough that they have a name: “hollow forgiveness.”

But even authentic forgiveness has its pitfalls for, as the authors noted:

“The words ‘I forgive you’ often signal the beginning of process for a speaker (of trying to forgive the transgression) but tend to be seen as the end of the matter by the offending partner—who is also likely to be only too willing to put the transgression in the past and act as if it never happened.”

Needless to say, all the other flawed ways of communicating play an important role in whether forgiveness is genuine and whether the commitment to the dyad can be renewed and go forward. As the authors write: “In the usual course of events, the victim spouse has to cancel a debt that is bigger than the one acknowledged by [the] transgressor spouse. Thus the transgressor spouse may see their partner’s reaction to the transgression as overblown and itself a wrongdoing.”

True forgiveness can’t be the act of a single partner in the marriage; both people have to renew their commitment to each other and the relationship in the context of a new landscape. Simply deciding, on your own, to forgive and forget likely won’t cut it.

5. Be a gatekeeper.

A universal stress point in relationships is the splitting of duties, chores, and responsibilities, especially when there are children involved. There's a body of research devoted to maternal gatekeeping, describing the situation when the mother holds onto and guards what is traditionally regarded as female territory, the tending of the home and children. This behavior, alas, may absolutely co-exist with a litany of complaints about how the mother's partner isn’t doing his share, that she’s overburdened, etc. That said, men gatekeep too. There’s no greater disincentive to doing the dishes than having someone re-wash the ones you’ve already done or to re-load the dishwasher because you haven’t done it efficiently. Because gatekeeping is often accompanied by a boatload of criticism and negativity, it’s highly destructive to many different aspects of a relationship.

If you’re bound and determined to be single again, you should hang on to as many of these behaviors as you can. But if, like most of us, you long for companionship and intimacy in an imperfect world, taking a close look at what you bring to the party may be the best way of staying together.

Can You Be In Love With More Than One Person At The Same Time?

This tends to be a controversial question. There are valid points on each side. For me personally I spent my life with my partners strictly monogamous in my mind. But after a separation and self exploration in the last 4 years I have had much time to reflect on this exact subject.

I always felt that to be monogamous I had to make a conscious effort to not put myself in any situation that I would be 'tempted' or meet someone of the opposite sex I would 'connect' with. After 20 years of this (and let me be bluntly honest and admit in my early 20's I was not successful) I am looking at the fact that I had to be actively conscious which I now see as being untrue to myself. Connection comes in many forms and just because as a woman I connect with a man it does not mean I am supposed to have sex or a physical intimate relationship with each connection but in many cases this would be the outcome. 

If I reflect at the fact that I have had 3 intense loves of my life and that is over a 20 year period, how can I not deny that you can Love more then one person in a lifetime (and this is when the belief system of one soulmate needs reflection) or even be in love with more then one person at a time??

So I found an article written by John Kim and here is his stab at the topic. Have a read and reflect.

Many people mistake intensity, infatuation, and lust for love. They think they love someone, but they’re actually loving the intensity of the relationship.

For example, if you compare every love to your "first love," you may feel it doesn’t match up. That experience, regardless of whether or not it was healthy, was extremely powerful.

But maybe it was just the most intense due to its being the first major imprint on your heart? Maybe it was the first time you lost yourself in someone? Maybe you experienced a sticky codependent relationship with no boundaries. (A strong bond produced can feel like love when it’s actually dependency.)

Some mistake infatuation, a short-lived passion, for love. Remember that magical summer crush on the kid at camp? Or the yoga retreat when you met “the perfect man”? Or when you worked on that campaign, project, movie, etc?

With infatuation, we fill in a lot of blanks. We fall in love with ideas rather than the actual person. Although this is a form of truthful attraction, it’s not love. It’s the overlapping of a matching purpose. A slanted guesstimate. Fantasy. And depending upon where you’re at in your life and how much you want love or a relationship, it can feel like you won the lottery.

Lust is sexual desire. It’s a natural craving like hunger or sleep that you can adjust, manage, and aim. If you can’t, then healthy love will be difficult to build. I say “build” because love is ultimately about the choice and ability to build something with someone.

In order to build that kind of intimacy, the commitment factor needs to be there. One can argue that they can commit to two people or more people at once. But I believe the kind of commitment it takes to hit high notes in love, to build the kind of trust that’s life weathering, requires all of you.

Technically you can love more than one. But you'll lose potency. You’ll be building on sand instead of soil. And the love you can give and receive will be lukewarm at best.

So the question then becomes: Is that true love?

My definition of love is truth, commitment, and all-or-nothing. And since love is an action, not just space you carry in your heart, there’s not enough time in the day to romantically love many. I say, if you’re going to love, love one. And love hard.

7 Secrets About Men's Sexual Needs and Desires

A lot of frustrating myths get tossed around about how men think and feel about sex. I found this great article by Scott Alden straight from a mans mouth, explaining to us women what men really desire.

A lot of annoying and frustrating myths get tossed around about how men think and feel about sex. Most of them are based on extremes and seem to come from a need to put something very complicated in simple terms. We're not just looking to get off (we can take care of that pretty easily ourselves). It's not just the thrill of conquest (we assume that when women sleep with us it's because they want to and not because they've been  defeated, right?). It's not just our biological imperative to make as many little versions of ourselves as possible before we die (most of us are actually trying not to knock you up).

So what the hell is it? What drives men toward sex and what does it mean to us when it happens?

In the spirit of promoting better understanding between the sexes, here are six deep dark secrets about how men really feel about sex.

1. We Don't Actually Want Sex All The Time

We just think we're supposed to want it all the time, and unfortunately, this seems to be what women think, too. It's extraordinarily difficult for a man to say no to guaranteed sex, not only because it's considered unmanly, but because women tend to assume that something's wrong. Nothing's wrong. Just like women, we only want sex...when we want it. The problem is that we're often terrible at knowing the difference between sex we want and sex we don't want until the awkward post-coital embrace. We really need to work on that one.

2. Sex = Validation

We're constantly racked with self doubt. We try to ignore it, we cover it up with obnoxious bravado, and occasionally, we actually try to work on the bad habits that are making us feel so lousy about ourselves. Mostly, we try to push away feelings of inadequacy because we're afraid we won't be attractive to women if we present as anything but totally confident. It sucks.

There is a moment, though, when the inner critic just has to shut his stupid little mouth and let the grownups talk. It's the moment of orgasm, followed by the collapse into a woman's arms. That's the best.

3. It Is About Power

The domination thing is no myth, but it's not a scary bad thing either. We want you lost in a raging, out-of-your-mind, forgetting-your-own-name, ocean of ecstasy. We want to you to completely lose control and we want to be the guy who took it from you. But, really, it's not about power 'cause everybody wins, right?

4. We're Distant Because We Care

Sexual prowess is the Holy Grail of manhood. More than success, more than athleticism, more than witty banter—if we're not killer in the sack, we've failed as men. And there's a lot of ways we can fail. It can be over too fast or it can take waaaay too long. We can be too rough or too gentle. We're afraid if we're too emotional you might assume we're head over heels in love with you, or worse yet, we might totally creep you out. Worst of all, there's the fear that we won't get you off.

While some women can orgasm from physical sensation alone, for many, it's a more complex equation. Something like: Physical Stimulation+Feeling of Safety+Feeling of Danger+Loss of Control+Power+Crossing Our Fingers and Hoping For The Best+We Have No Idea.

We want you to have a good time and we certainly don't want you to tell all your friends that we suck in bed. It can be a lot of pressure. So, sometimes we just pretend we don't care and sometimes the pretending becomes habitual. Really, though, deep down, we care a lot.

5. You Probably Know More About What Sex Means To Us Than We Do

Men don't usually get the opportunity to observe themselves during the physical act of love. Women, on the hand get a first-hand POV of what we're like when we're doing it. If you really want to know what sex means to us, try to let go of your assumptions and just pay attention, because....

6. We're All Actually Pretty Different

This is the biggest secret of all, because it's not actually a secret. Everyone already knows that there's no fail-safe formula for understanding men. If you want to understand a man sexually, you have to have actual sex with him. Lots and lots of times. Unfortunately, it's the only way.

7. Oral sex is important

This is my personal rid-bit to this article that I discuss during training sessions. For those of you that didn't know, receiving fellatio is not about power. At times it can be, but usually it is about feeling 'wanted and needed'. This is a very personal sexual actual, just like it is to you ladies when men try and go south (women have stated they find receiving head more personal then sex itself). So when it is done for men, especially when they can see you 'want' to do and even better when you look like you are 'enjoying it', men feel closer to their partners. So next time you think about how to show gents you are really into them and want them...remember its that simple.

www.loveandindulgence.com.au