Your first Time: A Sexual guide for Boys

This is an important topic and guide for young men. Unbeknown to parents, your sons first sexual contact is via porn. There are two issues here in that case:
1. This gives a skewed perception to young men that this is what not only turns women on but that this is HOW you have sex (as young men don't understand porn is all about the camera angles and fake orgasms by women) and
2. Excessive porn viewing combined with masturbation causes ED (erectile dysfunction) which is becoming an silent epidemic today.

So please share this article written by Jamie Utt.  If your unsure of how to broach the subject and educate your young son just forward him the article and educate him today before he grows up!

Let’s face it: Most sexuality education is terrible.

If you’ve received a formal sex education, it likely went a little like this:

“Sex is a special covenant between a man and a woman. Here’s a little information about the biology of sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. And here are a bunch of horrifying pictures of STI’s that will scare you into remaining abstinent until marriage.”

And we think that it’s time we change that.

Sex ed has to change.

Because if we don’t do a better job of teaching healthy sexuality, we leave it up to pornography, television, music, and movies to do our job – and none of those are accurate, comprehensive sources of sexuality education.

It’s time we teach our young people about more than just biology, STI’s, and abstinence.

It’s time we teach about how to have amazing, fulfilling, consensual, and healthy sex.

Cynthia Kane already wrote a fantastic guide for having great sex on the first time, but since some of the most effective sexual education is split up by gender, the brilliant Melissa A. Fabello and I are here with a two-part article to amplify Cynthia’s message.

And since I identify as a man, I will start things off by talking to the boys and men out there.

That said, let me be clear that I am a cisgender man, and as such, many of these lessons come from a cisgender perspective and should be treated as limited in that way.

So what are some steps to take before diving into sex for the first time? What are some important facts to know? And why are they important?

Let’s take a look.

1. Get to Know Your Body

Amazing sex starts with you knowing a bit about your body and what you want and need from your partner. So before you head into the bedroom with another person, you need to spend some time by yourself.

Yup. I’m telling you to masturbate.

But I don’t mean the “jerk off quickly in the bathroom before someone catches me” kind of masturbation.

I mean taking your time, exploring your whole body, figuring out what does (and doesn’t!) feel good.

How do you like to be touched, where do you like to be touched, and in what ways do you like to be touched?

More and more, young women are being told to familiarize themselves with their bodies (which they should!), but young men aren’t being told the same thing.

The idea that a man would take the time to light some candles, draw a bath, and explore his body for maximum masturbatory pleasure is considered laughable. Let’s change that!

Too often, we just treat male pleasure and orgasm as being easy. Having fulfilling sex, though, means having a much more comprehensive knowledge about your own pleasure.

Did you know that one of the most powerful orgasms a man can have has virtually nothing to do with his penis?

It’s called a prostate orgasm, and most men never experience this tremendous joy because of the taboo around anal play being “gay” and thus “terrible and disgusting and eww.”

Whether it’s a prostate orgasm or neck kissing, you won’t know what works best for you, though, if you never take the time to explore.

2. Interrogate Your Media Consumption and Expectations

Long before anyone tried to talk to me about sex, bodies, or relationships, I learned about those things from porn.

I was introduced to pornography at a very young age, and before that, I got plenty of confusing and misleading messages from TV or movies.

Now, both men and women get taught misinformation (which can sometimes be damaging) from media in general and porn specifically, but dudes, it’s time we unpack some of what we’re taught.

First, you don’t have to be in charge.

Rarely in any media do we see women who are taking the lead in sex. Nowhere is this more evident than in porn, where women are almost never seen taking charge – except in fetish porn where women are explicitly dominant.

Instead, sex should be a conversation (more on that later) where both people are communicating and asserting their needs and desires.

Second, your partner may not want your semen all over them.

There are some people who are totally down with facials (or semen anywhere for that matter) and find them hot, but porn makes it seem like every person wants your ejaculate all over them at all times. And it’s not true.

In fact, a lot of people find things like facials to be degrading expressions of dominance and control.

Thus, before you go shooting your spunk, you may want to chat with your partner about things like condom use (see below) and where that sticky stuff is (and isn’t) welcome.

Third, no one is owed anything in sex.

One of the most powerful media messages that men receive is that we are owed pleasure and gratification and access to others’ bodies.

If all we knew of sex came from porn or mainstream media, we’d assume that men must orgasm for sex to be sex and that all bodies exist for the sole purpose of pleasing men.

Not only is that selfish (and boring), but it’s downright misogynistic.

Instead, think of your pleasure as wrapped up in the consent and pleasure of your partner!

Sex will be more fun and fulfilling that way.

Finally, sex is about more than orgasms and penetration.

If there’s any clear message from media, it’s that sex is about the dude putting his penis in any given orifice, and when he reaches orgasm, sex is over.

On the contrary, though, sex is about connecting with another human being on a number of levels, and if you’re only focused on either getting or giving an orgasm, you’re going to miss out on big parts of that connection.

Be present. Realize that sometimes the best pleasure comes before or after orgasm and that there are countless ways to experience sexual pleasure.

Want some more information about pornography and media literacy? Check out these awesome resources:

• Make Love, Not Porn
• The Absurd Myths Porn Teaches Us About Sex
• Did Pornography Warp Me Forever?
• Fantasy vs. Reality: Lesbian Sex in Pornography

3. Protection and Prevention of STI’s

Now, I know that I started this piece by criticizing the fear-based education that focuses on STI’s.

But that doesn’t mean that some attention to STI’s isn’t important. They are a reality. At best, they are an uncomfortable inconvenience, and at worst, they are deadly.

As men, something you’re probably used to hearing about are condoms, but they are only a small part of the prevention and protection picture.

Long before ever putting on a condom, prevention begins in talking with your partner about your health status.

One great way to do that is to say, “Hey, I would love to get tested before we are sexually active. Would you like to go get tested together?”

Getting tested does not mean that you’re dirty or that you have reason to believe you have an STI!

Quite the opposite.

It’s preventative medicine.

Just like you get a physical once a year or a dental checkup, getting STI tested is important if you’ve been sexually active.

From there, it’s important to think about protection.

You’ve probably heard, “Use a condom.”

But you’ve probably never heard, “Make sure to measure your penis so you find the best fit!”

Fit is vital to ensure pleasure and safety, so make sure you know which size to buy. Also, remember that there are about a million types of condoms. So experiment a little!

Know, though, that using a condom when having intercourse is not the only type of protection that you should be using.

Very few people use protection during oral sex, but there is a risk of STI contraction from oral. So make sure you pick up some flavored condoms and dental dams (not sure what a dental dam is? Look here!).

Finally, if you’re having straight intercourse, it’s important to talk about pregnancy prevention.

If your partner wants to use birth control, consider splitting the cost (since it’s possible for birth control to get expensive), and make sure that you’re consistent.

4. Sexual Communication Is Key

More than any other factor, good sex comes from one thing: communication.

And that’s a problem for men because we’re socialized to believe that we’re bad at communication and that “talking” through things that are important to us is feminine.

But if you want amazing sex, you need to start talking with your partner. And that conversation likely needs to start before you’ve even touched one another.

Ideally, your first time is happening in the context of a healthy, communicative relationship. So sit down with your partner and talk about what you both want from your sexual relationship.

Are you on the same page with “taking the next step” sexually, whatever that step may be?

Perhaps you should both fill out a “Yes, No, Maybe Chart” and discuss your responses with each other.

I promise it will only be awkward if you decide ahead of time that it’s going to be awkward.

On the contrary, if you take the time to talk through things before taking the next step, your sex will be much more amazing for the both of you.

But don’t think the communication should end there.

5. Expectations for the Big Moment

I don’t know about you, but when I was thinking about my first time having sex, one thing I wasn’t thinking a lot about was how I would communicate with my partner.

But the single most important aspect of sex is also one of the least talked about: consent.

When many of us hear the term, we think of some stiff, cardboard interaction with another person: “May I put my hand on your arm now, please?” “Yes you may!” “Now may I lean closer?” Yes you may!”

But I am here to tell you: active, enthusiastic consent has the power to be the single sexiest part of your sexual experiences if you do it right.

To do that, first you need to get rid of the idea that consent is a one-time, blanket permission or that silence or non-affirmation is consent. Thinking of consent this way is not only a huge turnoff, but it is downright dangerous, and it’s time that we, as dudes, change this perception.

Instead, think of consent as a constant conversation in words, expressions, games, sensuality, looks, bodies. Need some ideas on what that means? Check out “Want the Best Sex of Your Life? Just Ask!”

Plain and simple: Sex that is built upon the constant communication of enthusiastic consent is guaranteed to be the most incredible sex that two (or more!) human beings are capable of having.

Aside from a better knowledge of consent, here are a few other things I wish I had been told about the deed before the first time I had sex:

It’s okay to ask for things that you want/need! In fact, unless your partner is a mind reader, if you are going to have amazing sex, you need to! But you also have to be willing to listen when your partner does the same.

If you reach orgasm really quickly, don’t worry! That doesn’t mean that sex has to be over! Explore some other ways to give and receive pleasure. There is no prescribed time in which you’re supposed to ejaculate.

Having a hard time orgasming? That’s also okay! Talk to your partner about what each of you need to feel more pleasure next time, and take some time exploring each other’s bodies! Oh, and “blue balls” is very rare, and it should not be used as an excuse to pressure someone into giving you an orgasm. “I really want to cum” and “I am experiencing a rare medical condition characterized by sharp, acute pain in my testicles” are not the same thing.

Great sex comes from listening. If something feels amazing and they arch toward you, remember that. If something’s not doing it for them, maybe they won’t tell you for fear of embarrassing you or themselves, but their body likely will. Then you can ask! “I noticed you started breathing REALLY heavily when I did such-and-such. Should I do more of that?” or “I noticed you weren’t really into blah-blah-blah. Was I reading you right?”

Men Need to Talk to Men and Boys

It’s time that men start having more accountable conversations with men and boys about healthy, positive sexuality.

It is our responsibility to raise a generation of men who are committed to ending sexual violence, and a great place for us to start is by building the healthiest sexual relationships that we can.

So if you have suggestions about what else men and boys need to hear to have amazing first time sex, share them in the comment.

Are you a dad or a big brother or a mentor? Give this article to the young men in your life and chat with them about it!

www.loveandindulgence.com.au

9 Weird Things Your Penis Does

Discover why your schlong has been acting so strange BY MARKHAM HEID

I believed it was time to give the guys some quick tips & WATCH OUT FOR MY BONUS TIP AT THE END

You shake and bounce, but a stray drop or two of pee still trickles into your underwear as you leave the restroom. Is the O-ring in your penis defective or something? 

"I talk to men all the time who worry about this, but it's not a big deal," says Joseph Sonstein, M.D., a urologist with the University of Texas Medical Branch. (Whew.) Your urethra—the hollow tube that carries urine from your bladder to the tip of your penis—forms a slight upside-down U shape, Dr. Sonstein explains. And there's inevitably a little pee left over in your U when you finish urinating, which gravity causes to leak out after you've zipped up, he adds. 

"It can be a bigger problem for men who have a weak stream, because the lack of force leaves more pee behind to dribble out," Dr. Sonstein adds. A weak stream could be a sign of an enlarged prostate or inflammation, which is common among older guys. But for most young men, a little leakage is nothing to stress about.

WHY DOES SOME SEMEN ALWAYS SHOW UP LATE TO A PARTY?

Like that drop or two of leftover urine, some ejaculate leaks out a few minutes after you've had an orgasm. Dr. Sonstein says the explanation is the same as before: "Semen is just a little more viscous, so it takes more time for gravity to work it out of your urethra," he says. 

WHY DOES YOUR PENIS SHRINK WHEN WET?

Despite what George Costanza says, it's not the wetness that does it. It's the chill of exposing your genitals to cool air or water that causes the "shrinkage," Dr. Sonstein says. Your scrotum hangs outside of your body because your sperm need very specific temperatures to thrive. Muscles in your scrotum and along the "spermatic cord" that leads down from your penis to each testicle contract when you're cold, pulling your scrotum up toward your body. And this contraction tightens your penis muscles and tissue as well, shrinking it, Dr. Sonstein says. (The opposite happens when you're hot, causing your testicles and penis to hang farther from your body, he adds.) 

WHY DO YOU PITCH A TENT EVERY MORNING?

Your testosterone levels peak in the A.M., which explains your perky member, Dr. Sonstein says. There's also some evidence you become erect—even when you're not aroused—in order to maintain proper sexual function. "It's sort of the old 'if you don't use it, you lose it' thing," Dr. Sonstein adds. So that explains your otherwise curious midday, driving-in-your-car boners. 

WHY DO SOME MEN EXPERIENCE 'WET DREAMS'?

Again, this is probably the result of elevated testosterone levels, which rise while you sleep, says Dr. Sonstein. "That's why adolescent men, whose testosterone levels tend to be really high, experience more wet dreams than older men." Dr. Sonstein says there's some anecdotal evidence—but no proof—that wet dreams occur more often when a lot of time has passed between your orgasms, and so this could be your body's way of making room for fresher sperm supplies. 

WHY DOES YOUR URINE SOMETIMES SHOOT OUT AT A STRANGE ANGLE?

Your urine stream's "crazy Ivan" schtick tends to occur after sex, after masturbation, or in the morning if you ejaculated just before bed—or while you slept—Dr. Sonstein says. Why? It's nearly always because a little semen is still hanging out in your urethra from your last orgasm, which creates an obstruction. If the odd angle doesn't go away soon, it could be a sign of scar tissue or an STD, Dr. Sonstein adds. 

WHY DO SOME MEN'S PENIS' BECOME SO MUCH LARGER WHEN ERECT, WHEN SOME DON'T GROW MUCH AT ALL?

Maybe you've heard some guys are "growers, not showers." At least anecdotally, that seems to be true. "Men who are smaller when flaccid tend to get much longer when erect," Dr. Sonstein says. "Whereas men who are long when flaccid tend to get harder, but not that much bigger. It's all just genetics." 

WHY IS URINE YELLOW NO MATTER WHAT YOU EAT OR DRINK?

Urine contains a chemical called urobilin, which is involved in the breakdown of fluid that takes place in your kidneys, says Dr. Sonstein. Urobilin is yellow, and the more of it you see in your pee, the less that biochemical is being diluted by water or other fluids you drink. If you're properly hydrated, healthy urine should actually be pretty close to clear, Dr. Sonstein explains. 

ONCE OR TWICE YOU'VE HAD A PROBLEM HAVING AN ERECTION DURING SEX, WHAT GIVES?

This is called "situational erectile dysfunction," and a ton of guys experience it, Dr. Sonstein says. "Usually it's stress- or relationship problem-related." If you're feeling a lot of pressure or anxiety, it can tense you up to the point that you have problems getting hard. Dr. Sonstein says if it gets really bad, he'll occasionally prescribe a low dose of an ED drug like Viagra to help a patient get his confidence back. 

MEL'S TIP

In regards to the above question there is also another important point to know especially for men as young as teenagers to mid to late 40's. ED is linked to high speed internet porn. It rewires the pleasure centre of your brain. Here is a common scenario: You are with a woman you find attractive, you are totally into what is happening but you can't get it up! Be aware that this is because messages are not being sent from the brain to your penis. This is even more frustrating for men to understand as they have no problem when porn viewing only when in real life situations. Men have a tendency to believe it is 'performance anxiety' however this is not the case. 

Here is some links to great videos to watch

The Great Porn Experiment:TedX with Gary Wilson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82...

The Science of Porn addiction - Gabes Story
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGxX...

www.loveandindulgence.com.au

PORN WEEK- talking about the SILENT EPIDEMIC

WELCOME TO PORN WEEK

our most controversial week ever!

Welcome to PORN WEEK. If you have a son 8yrs and above, boyfriend, lover, partner or husband let alone a small daughter, this week is a VITAL educational week. This is our most important week released talking about the SILENT EPIDEMIC so please watch the video below and SHARE so we can all get educated on this topic 

DAY 1

Today we are going to look at the medical side of this SILENT EPIDEMIC. I encourage everyone to watch this amazing video filmed at TedX and start talking about this with other mothers, mates and family members so we can spread the word about what the REAL issue is about porn.

THE GREAT PORN EXPERIMENT:TedX with Gary Wilson

www.loveandindulgence.com.au

PORN vs. CHICKFLICKS

“PORN for men is what

CHICK FLICKS is to women” 

Written by Mel Macdonald

www.loveandindulgence.com.au

How is this even possible that we can compare porn to chick flicks?

For those who are looking to be shocked and educated about an epidemic happening in todays society or are concerned for their children’s future relationship and marriage wellbeing, I suggest you hang-in there with me and read this article in entirety even though it is just the tip of the iceberg!

As females we see porn as more of a derogatory thing towards women. If you asked a guy “Do you think porn is damaging?” some men will also agree it can affect the way they view us women BUT not one man would say that it might be ‘re-wiring the pleasure centre of his brain’. Did you know that?

Now with chick flicks your asking “what’s wrong with some escapist entertainment?”

Well these chick flicks have also be referred to as “emotional porn”. Women are comparing men to fictional hero’s and disregarding the qualities that are actually important for a successful relationship.

Women are oblivious that while they are munching on their popcorn and blowing into their tissues that all the animations, movies and ‘chick-lit’ that they are consuming over the years has underlying messages that are ‘re-wiring’ our brains about life, love and romance.

In-turn both porn and chick flicks is distorting marriage, sex, sexuality, commitment, love, security and intimacy within relationships.

Male porn users base their attraction on the physical, become dissatisfied with their sex lives and bring impossible expectations of sex into their relationships.

Women chick flick viewers have their desires more subtly distorted by movies with expectations of what they see on the big screen bringing dissatisfaction when their counterparts can’t live up to this fantasy.

In response to this ‘re-wiring of the pleasure centre of the brain’ here is what commonly is happening today.

As women we date these men (whether its for one night or not) and are flabbergasted when the below things happen

1.    He is not saying all the right things

2.    I don’t feel that electric chemistry

3.    He isn’t living up to my checklist

4.    He’s not fulfilling all my dreams and desires

5.    He isn’t flattering me with compliments

6.    He can’t get it up!

Today ED (erectile dysfunction) seems to be a common complaint with guy’s predominately in there 20’s and early 30’s.

Women aren’t happy, as we automatically perceive that this ED has something to do with us. Maybe we aren’t pretty enough or attractive enough?

Actually it’s neither. It has NOTHING to do with us at all. This actually has to do with a generation of men who have been brought up with high-speed Internet porn and don’t realise that their brains have been re-wired. They don’t know any different. Let me explain more…

Up till the 1970’s causes of Erectile Dysfunction (ED) were 90% psychological and 10% Organic, organic meaning a physical cause. Due to todays modern technology it is now 10% psychological and 90% Organic.

To get an erection the normal chain of messages are sent from,

Brain – spinal cord – spinal nerves – penis (to become erect)

All nerves are linked in the erection chain.

ED was commonly only seen in elderly men due to ageing and is caused by blocked blood vessels to the penile area. ED for older men stems in the penis area and medical practitioners commonly prescribe Viagra and other ED medicines to assist with this flow.

It was known that ED should be rare if not unheard of in teens and men in there 20’s till now due to the ‘high-speed Internet porn’ availability today!

“ED is now common amongst men as young as teenagers and becoming a silent epidemic”

Now what I want you to know is that ‘porn’ is like any other drug and you can become an ADDICT. With anything we do we have a ‘reward circuit’ hardwired into us. The drug chemical ‘dopamine’ turns our reward circuit on which motivates us get the ‘desire’ to do whatever we need to do. Right at the beginning in the chain of messages sent for an erection ‘dopamine’ triggers this reward circuit.

Sights, sounds and touch send messages to the ‘reward circuit’ and then goes to the hypothalamus ‘erection centre’. It sends dopamine to the penis for an erection.

If you have porn related impotence it means you have ‘re-wired’ this chain of command and it doesn’t work. (Please take note that the first sexual experience a boy has with a women is via porn at an average age of 11 years old).

However what is happening is it rewiring the brain ‘pleasure centre’ in our men and affecting their sex drives towards women (which is why there are complaints about guys not getting it up). The scary thing about all this is they don’t actually know it!

I know your wondering “Is there any hope for these guys?” Yes

As per Gary Wilson, Anatomy and Physiology teacher and speaker on YouTube ‘The Porn Experiment: TedX’ states,

“They need to actively:

1.    Stop all porn viewing now

2.    No porn fantasising

3.    No masturbating

4.    No orgasm

5.    Find replacement activities

Now how long will this take? Depends on how long they have been watching porn, how old they are and the extent to which they watched it. The actual structure of your brain has changed so a 2 month period is not unusual for most mature aged men and for younger more excessive users it can take up to 5 months.

Movie depicts ED

I suggest you watch the movie Don Jon for a better understanding and also go to www.yourbrainonporn.com for more information on this topic.

Now ‘chick flicks’ work in a similar fashion to porn with the re-wiring of the brain.

Just as porn is a fantasy for men, ‘chick flicks’ or “emotional porn” is our fantasy as women. Both porn and chick flicks set up expectations of the other person within our own pleasure centres in our brain.

Now understand that for girls our first experience with a boy is in fantasy movies, literature and animation cartoons and starts at infancy age!

"Our level of attachment is dependant on the frequency of these movies we watch"

It completely determines how strong our attachment is to that fantasy. So when someone says to you that “chick flicks aren’t real”, if you’re a long term viewer your pleasure centre has been wired to believe that they ARE real and your likely to get severely offended!

They are simply a fantasy. You cannot expect every man you meet to do all the things in the movies. Say the right things, buy the right things, do the right things as per our (individual) desires and level of fantasy that we have created in our ‘pleasure centre’ of our brain.

Women make men believe that they are victims and that men break their hearts for sport. Women say they want ‘true love’ but all women want is their checklist that she has obtained from these chick flicks. Is he:

·      Perfect?

·      Handsome?

·      A doctor or financially stable in a good job?

I loved a comment I heard on a movie recently,

“Unfortunately for men they are not sleeping with you they are sleeping with a carefully calculated set of ‘vino’ choices.

Money over Substance

Looks over Soul

Polish Over Principles”

Lets look at it. We have been watching chick flicks and fantasy movies since we started watching cartoons. Snow White, Cinderella, Beauty and the beast, Rapunzel, Shrek even!

So, I’m not for a minute telling you you’re an idiot for believing it, what I am saying is just like how guys are shocked when they find out that their brain has been re-wired by porn, ours has been re-wired from a younger age to believe that men should be behaving a particular way just like in the movies. It’s unrealistic and it’s NOT your fault!

“Society has been preening us for years into a false sense of pleasure”

As young women we do buy-in from the chick flicks and in many cases become ADDICTED to the feeling we get when we watch or read these stories. That’s the same ‘dopamine’ release that happens with porn via our reward circuits.

We have been preened that there is only supposed to be one person in our life to meet and fulfil ALL of our needs and desires. I’m not talking about sexually, I am talking an out other facets of your life in health, spirituality, romance, friendships, business, finances, career, in travel.

The No#1 Romantic movie of all time has creating high expectations

Just look at the highest ranking movie The Notebook. Men cringe as they know they can never live up to the character Noah portrayed in this romance story. Many women never find their ‘Magic Man’ as they live completely within this fantasy expectation. 

Now I am saying ‘fantasy expectations’ because until you acknowledge that we have been unconsciously re-wired from such a young age then that is actually what you are living in.

When you are aware of this rewiring your ‘checklist’ will be completely overhauled. You will spend your time educating yourself more then romanticising and will have more fulfilling relationships regardless of whether it lasts a day, a week or years.

Other changes will occur

-       Your perception and tolerance towards men will change.

-       You won’t feel disgusted that guys watch porn but more curious.

-       You’ll forgive even when your heart is bruised because you understand that he is maybe no longer your ‘Mr Perfect’ and that someone or something else better might be around the corner.

-       You approach relationships completely different with a different perspective.

-       Guys will want to talk to you. They will be drawn to you, as you become a conundrum to them!

-       You don’t belittle them or emasculate them and if you do you acknowledge what you did swiftly.

“Crazy Stupid Romantic Love still exists out there”

However, when you no longer have it as an expectation, when it does happen it’s a pleasant surprise and will have a greater impact on you, as now you will be able to actually identify it and appreciate.

For both sexes, when the ADDICTIONS have been removed and your brain is ‘re-wired’ again, your perspective and everyday life will change as life will now come without a preconceived idea of your destined future or incapable expectations.

Then and only then will the world be your oyster!